What the Hell Wednesday: Zombies, Monsters and Ghosts, Oh My!
1. The laboratory that was being used to store the zombie virus has exploded making the virus airborne and turning millions into zombies. You are one of the few humans left. What 5 things do you need in order to survive a zombie attack? Anyone who has studied zombies knows of their utmost respect for the human custom of threesomes. They never attack during one. So, I don't need five stinkin' things, just one. I'll be upstairs with the French twins until the "all clear" siren.
2. You turn on the news and find out that vampires have “come out of the coffin” and wish to live in peace alongside humans. Do you join a fanatic vampire hating church group and set out to destroy them, become a Fangbanger (vampire groupie) or try your best to get one of them to turn you? Somebody has read far too many Twilight books. I'd just go and find a bar.
3. Aliens have landed and are trying to destroy the human race. It is up to you to kick their extra-terrestrial arses. What do you do to destroy them? I'd just turn the radio to Rush Limbaugh. Not even an alien would want to deal with a planet that would breed that fucking idiot.
4. You are hiking alone in the woods and have become lost. Suddenly you come across a tiny hut inhabited by a witch. Do you run in terror hoping she didn’t notice your presence or do you knock on her door and ask for directions? I'd knock on the door. It's probably just one of my ex-wives anyway.
5. Your friend dares you to spend a night in a graveyard. Do you accept the dare? The only possibility of me doing this shit would be if my friend was female and there was sex involved.
6. Your friend/ significant other just got back from a hike in the woods and swears they have just encountered Bigfoot. Do you go with them to see if you can find proof of Bigfoot’s existence or do you call the mental hospital and reserve a nice padded cell for them? I'd say, "Honey, I have asked you before to lay off the fucking 'shrooms. Can you just keep it to pot as you promised?"
7. You won tickets to the circus (with clowns). Do you go and enjoy the clowns or try to sell the tickets because clowns are evil and creepy and want to eat you? I'd give the tickets to my neighbor so he'd take their kid. Then I'd get an afternoon alone with his wife. It is so much more exciting when he's not out of town.
8. Your crazy aunt Matilda just gave your child a creepy doll for his/her birthday. Do you let him/her keep it or do you take it out back and bury it hoping it won’t somehow dig itself out and turn up in your house again? My youngest kid is 24. I'd let my kids work this fucker out all by themselves.
9. Legend has it that Megalodon (the giant prehistoric shark) is still alive somewhere in the vast oceans of our planet. You happen to be out on a week long deep sea fishing excursion and your boat is alone at sea or so you think. Suddenly you catch something on your line and try to reel it in when a giant six foot dorsal fin pops up a few yards away from your boat. What do you do? Go back to sleep. It would have to be a nightmare since I hate boats, don't fish and truly I'd actually be more concerned if my neighbor came home early from the circus before his wife woke up. That dude has no sense of humor.
10. West Virginian’s believe in the legend of the Moth Man. Do you think this creature really exists or do you believe that it’s just insanity on their part caused by years of inbreeding? I find this a hard question. I do believe in Moth Man. But, on the other foot, I don't believe in West Virginians.
11. Lake Erie is supposedly inhabited by a giant sea serpent. Do you believe this could be true and could be the reason many ships, boats and people go missing in the lake or do you think that it’s more likely a mutant fish thanks to the nuclear power plant that is conveniently located on the shores of Lake Erie (it’s in Perry, Ohio to be exact)? Wasn't this the thing that David Letterman was apologizing for?
12. People say the town near the Chernobyl Nuclear Plant disaster is haunted and have seen ghosts of people they know there. You have been invited to go to this town and do research to find out if it’s really haunted. Do you choose to go taking into consideration that this is a highly radioactive area and you would need to have special gear on in order to be safe or do you tell them that the radiation has obviously affected their brains and decline? I'd pass on the invite because my Russian isn't as good as it used to be. Я потерял интерес, когда моя российская домохозяйка уходила.
13. You’re on a late night flight to wherever. You happen to look out the window and see a grinning demon thing tearing apart the wing. Do you panic and try to tell the flight crew about it or do you just close the shade and blame it on all the alcohol that you consumed pre-flight? You cannot consume THAT much alcohol. Although, God knows we've all tried. I imagine we all need a stiff drink about now. Make mine a Ketel One, rocks.
That's it for your Hump Day.
WTIT: The Blog will return.
We'll be Thursday Thunking!
Join us then.