The Ugly, Fat Stewardess Ball

Let us begin by saying that this story could be upsetting to the hearing impaired, or weight challenged, or facially ugly challenged and certainly any of their families or friends. If you fall into this category or are very into political correctness, likewise, move on to a blog that is written by someone whom might give a rat’s ass. That is the primary reason for this blog’s title. The WTIT Blog does not usually issue warnings. Usually Google takes care of that.
This is tale about turning lemons into lemonade. In high school and college, WDRC was one of our favorite radio stations. On this day during Christmas break, the DJ announced a party planned for that very evening. A “Stewardess Students Convention” was in town with 400 Stewardess Wannabes in attendance. Now, keep in mind that these were the days when airlines had ads on TV that showed a 21 year-old beauty queen who would smile and say, “Hi. I’m Cheryl. Fly me”. It was a very different era, indeed. We called all DJs and I think five of us headed to the old Statler Hilton in Hartford. Killer Joe, Ken Kolt, Johnnie Walker, Bouncing Billy and I attended these festivities. Naturally, we expected the ladies to look like the image on the left. We couldn't wait to get there!

This was the cruelest joke on all concerned. Yes, there were 400 females. Yes, they needed many, many guys to even the odds at this dance. There was one really bad part. These ladies were all overweight and ugly. They had about as much chance of being a stewardess (remember the era) as flying to the moon by jumping really high. At one point Billy turned to me and said “Plan B.” I asked what that would be. Billy decided we should try to sneak past all the hotel security to find some of these student-stewardesses in their rooms. I pondered this, “That won’t make them pretty.” I pointed out. Billy said I was overlooking the obvious.

“I give up, what am I not seeing?” I asked. Billy went on, “First of all, we probably will get caught and thrown out of here long before we see another student-stewardess. It is a challenge. Can we do it? Secondly, if we are alone with them in their rooms, does it matter that they aren’t gorgeous? And most importantly, it has got to be better than walking around at this stupid dance.” All at once Bill had appealed to my sense of adventure, my lust and it did have to beat the shit out of staying at the “Ugly Fat Student-Stewardess Ball”. We were climbing the mountain, because it was there.

Bouncing Billy and I snuck past the first guard stationed at the elevators. The guard was really too easy. Billy asked him to show him how to get to the lobby. The guard said, "Follow me.” We didn’t. Now we were in the elevator. We picked a floor at random, since the hotel was filled with student-stewardesses. There was plenty of activity in the hallway, so the girls were easy to spot. In a moment’s notice Billy leans over to me and states, “We need an angle, ya know, to get invited into a room.” I told Bouncing Billy to follow my lead.

“Hi, Ladies.” I said to no one in particular. A student-stewardess told me if the guards caught us we would have to leave. (No shit, Sherlock.) I explained that my poor friend was deaf, so the dance wasn’t holding much for him. A group of four girls said they would love to get to know us, but we had to follow them into their room. From conception this plan worked and took ten minutes.

When the four student-stewardesses got into the room they began asking me questions to ask my deaf friend, Billy. I made believe to sign the words and Billy would sign me back. I use “sign” very loosely, since I only knew the alphabet and Billy knew none of it. Almost every “sign” would include us flipping the bird at each other. As it turned out, not only were student-stewardesses fat and ugly, but also they were as dumb as rocks.

As the questions got even more tedious, someone asked what was Billy’s favorite activity. After Billy and I did the “signs”, I realized how bored I was getting to be. So I answered that Billy’s favorite activity was to listen to the radio. You might think just one student-stewardess might realize deaf people and radios are not always a big match. Nope, their next question was, “What’s his favorite station?” At this point we both lost it. We are laughing and crying. Billy interrupts to say, “Oh my god. I can hear. It is a true miracle." He pointed at the fattest student-stewardess and continued, “Your voice was the first I ever heard. I think I love you”. At which time he jumped off the bed we were sitting on to hug and kiss (and “thank”) the big girl. The girls were actually good sports and asked what bit we would pull on the next group. “That’s easy,” I said, (now remember Billy’s picture…a poster child for an Irish lad) “in the next room Billy is going to speak only Spanish." The big girl asked, “Do you guys speak Spanish”. I said “Of course, just as well as we “sign”…”

22 comments:

Mimi Lenox said...

Oh the antics of the WTIT jocks in their youth. This one is a classic!

Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO...this is the bomb! Have a great day :)

Kitten said...

I loved this. Those stewardesses in training were good sports. Thanks for sharing! :)

Dawn (Twisted Sister) said...

That was hilarious! I take it you never did find the pretty stewardesses?

Tilli said...

Oh MAN. You legends! Keep these coming, I'm fascinated.
xoxo

Stef H (Glitterbabe) said...

don't you know that stewardessess are glorified waitresses???? hence the fat?????

me? i blame my fat on menopause. it's a good excuse as any.

but i love that you shared this and, as always, i am LMAO!

hugs,

Kimber said...

LOL great story!

Lani said...

you are nutz! LOL and that pic of you.. I swear...are you wearing a fur coat?
:-)
LOL

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Mimi-
Thanks!

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Thom-
And all true!

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Kitten-
They really were...

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Dawn-
We searched. There weren't any...

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Tara-
Thanks!

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Kimber-
My pleasure.

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Lani-
The coat looked like an ugly rug...

Anonymous said...

No Fair! That 72 shot of you is so small I can't hardly see you, I am too old to be squinting that hard!
moorebloglife.com

Bond said...

A brilliant story never loses its appeal

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Vinny-
And every word true. Thanks...

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Amanda-
If you want to see me grow up you click on the WTIT Photo Blog button...

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Stef-
You do have a point!

Anonymous said...

Okie Dokie I will!

Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

Amanda-
I hope you're not disappointed! :)